Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
