I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
