so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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