i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
