Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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