i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
