how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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