Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
