Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
