I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
