Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
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I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
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Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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