and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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