see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I use my feet as sexual weapons
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
