as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
