I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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