Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
