Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
