i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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