i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize