I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
