so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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