Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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