i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
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Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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