Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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