The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
