Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize