he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
