Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
