he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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