Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
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