HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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