respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
