I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
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it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
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Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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