Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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