I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
