i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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