life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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