god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I faked an abortion last night.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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