you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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