i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
