i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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