I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
