Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
