The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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