I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
