The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
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