then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
