just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
