I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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