maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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