I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
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