Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I bet he comes in French.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
