You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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