Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
