Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
