if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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