I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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