I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
