In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
