i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
